Assimilation Part Two: Women

Well my rules of assimilation seem to have, indeed, ruffled a couple of local feathers.  I’m not making anyone read this and it is meant to just be a bit of fun.  Lighten up!  God.

On that note, I now move on to my next topic, reluctant as I am to dwell on this.  My wife thinks my opinion on this one is bang on and she even agrees with the archetypes I created of DFL women (she’s a Fierce DFL – see previous post).  I had a bit of help with this one from some Twitter friends.  Big thanks to @NotSureJustYet for bringing the genius and wicked humour of Phil Lucas to my attention.  Big thanks to @PhilLucas for letting me plunder his colour charts.

I haven’t written this as a guide for women, becuase they don’t need it.  This is more of an explanation if anything.  A way for DFL men to pigeon hole thier own wives and for locals to  recognise the forces at work here.

Here are Phil’s brilliant charts I have utilised to define my DFL ladies style and character:




So, in by book, there are two ways DFL women assimilate.

1.  Barren women and women who have chosen not to have chilren

Time it takes in order to assimilate?  None – they don’t.  They work in London and have only moved down to make themselves look better in front of their friends and have great parties here for their friends and gloat.  They think it’s a provincial backwater and a cultural wasteland.  They don’t bother coming down in the winter unless there is an event or party, rarely patronise local establishments and never EVER buy clothes here.

Now, to make this a bit more visual and so you can easily identify these types if you should see them, I’m going to use this year’s A/W 14/15 fashion colour palette that best encapsulates this first type.  No word of a lie – some fashion person has actually based a collection of clothes on the colour palette for the film Frozen – no shit!  It seems wholly appropriate for this DFL type – frozen eggs (she’ll never use), frozen heart and frozen forehead.  Lol!

frozen Palette

Designer bathroom. The shaving mirror is for her – Lol!
A fondness for whimsical, pointless ‘fashioin pieces’.
Work work work!
The power nail. It screams ‘I’M THE ONE WITH THE TESTICALS ROUND HERE!’
Vile clothes in vile colours. No concept of ‘dressing for her age’.
The ‘nude’ lip. Think Theresa May. Looks vaguely like a woman, but could rip your head off at any moment.
Have you noticed that EVERY DFL house in Whitstable has it’s front door painted this colour. Boring!
She does business best over a boozy lunch.
To match the ‘nude’ lip, a ‘nude’ Laboutin. This shoe has teeth.

2. The Cut-throat ‘Yummy’ Mummies

Time it takes to assimilate?  Approx a year.

This group can comprise of all three archetypes of DFL women (Fierce, Mumsy and Slutty) who all have slightly different assimilation approaches.  Broadly speaking, all three USE THEIR CHILDREN to fit in and make friends.  Often, it just ends up being with other DFLs, but if they get lucky, they meet a BFL ( Back From London – a local who was educated enough to move to London and work, but has since come back to breed) or some nice middle class, educated friends they can lord it over.  Slutty DFL has the added advantage of being able to flirt with the other women’s husbands so her assimilation is hugely accelerated.  They have another thing in common though – they are all horribly competitive.  Fierce DFLs take over local child-rearing institutions with the same single minded ‘lunch is for wimps’ gumption they had in the boardroom (my wife).  They are commodifying thier children and using them as a kind of cultural capital to leverage some local gravitas, and it works.  Mumsy DFLs are the ones who are always so fucking cheerful.  And nice.  They grin all the time and everything is fine and nothing is too much trouble.  Beneath this sunshiny exterior beats a dark, bitter heart, full of resentment, regret for their old life and a genuine hatred of women that actually quite like their children.  These are the ones that decorate the bloody beach, make bloody cupcakes at any opportunity whatsoever.  They’re all on Mumsnet (hello Mumsnet!) and they LOVE Boden (apart from Slutty DFLs who wear their daughter’s clothes from Top Shop to prove they’ve ‘still got it’).

These women didn’t just move down here for the sea and to have a ‘slower pace of life’.  They moved here for the grammar schools.  FACT.

So, what colour palette for the Cupcakes?  Well seeing as group no.1 was inspired by the cinema, I thought I’d stick to that theme and come up with a palette inspired by ‘Gone Girl’.  Apt, becuase as soon as these ladies (with the exception of Slutty DFLs who remember to throw up their cupcakes and yoga it off), they all grow huge and develop massive SQUARE bottoms (see previous post).  It’s extraordinary!  So, yeah, the Girl you married, has most certainly GONE.  And she ain’t coming back!  Lol.

The Gone Girl 14/15 Colour Palette – you’ll recognise these colours on and around this group of DFL assimilators.

Gone Girl Palette

Slutty DFLs will try wearing ‘young’ make up like this.
They save inappropriate/expensive boot wear just for the shool run
The ‘bag’ or cloak/rug/throw – whatever! This covers a multitude of sins. It’s HORRIBLE.
2014 1003 Lululemon Insipre Crop Bumble Berry-Hyper Stripe Bordeaux Drama Bumble Berry Lower Side
These types run everywhere. In pairs. Talking. I see them when I’m kite surfing. They wear expensive bright ‘look at me’ clothes and are just as chubby 6 months after they take it up – because they don’t even break into a sweat!
Just. So. Wrong. But they’d wear these and love them
Sometimes they dress like they’re going hiking on a mountain. I checked. The nearest mountain is in Wales.
Inappropriate necklaces. You seem them in coffee houses practically strangling their infants with these neck weapons.
actual nasty bunting
This is the colour they will wear when their position as ‘Whit Lit Children’s Poetry Corner Club’ project manager is challenged. Like a Eurofighter on the offensive. Boom!
What they’d like us to wear. Same colour as a newborn’s poop poop.
The school gate is the most cut throat environment on the planet. Forget boarder control between Syria and Turkey. Try being a man dropping kids off at school with this lot. Grow a beard, wear shades, be stealthy.
Sssssssss. Boooo. Remember what I said about the fake rictus grin. The masters at work. Ssssssss.
They would love to look like Nicole but apart from Slutty, they don’t have the discipline.
A-Line skirts. Again, look sort of passable on a skeleton, but on my wife you could have held the local cubs jamboree in there. Lol!
Slim Jim Beef Jerky Tabasco 2
Gastro food. Locals are just honest and tuck into a burger puff – these chicks have biltong in their picnics.
Big Granny2
Look at those lovely Gone Girl berry shades! That’ll turn into a hideous jumper she’ll expect you to wear that she made in her knitting group.
Biggest lobster him
More stuff she’ll expect you to wear. At least if you got in your time machine back to the nineties you’d fit in with the locals in their shell suits. The Belgian lorry driver look.
Biggest Lobster
A sensible top. She’d match it with an A-line denim skirt off of the 70s.
I have actually seen my wife in this ‘colourway’ on the weekends. She says it’s ‘playful’. I say bollocks.
Match your entire kitchen to your wardrobe. My wife did.
And if the DFL husband isn’t as spineless as me, just make cupcakes that will match your Gone Girl wardrobe.
Dutch abbatior
Unflattering bag top.
Ugly. I actually might be sick. I mean really, if you met a woman wearing shoes like this – would you?
I approve of the hat – on me. Again, the bomber jacket. Not so slimming as you might think.
Even the beach huts get a colour make over once a year. Don’t get me started.
fat bus
On nights out, these ladies often overdo the eyemake up to compensate for the breastfeeding/school run bags. Discourage.
Just because she’s fit.
A faux fur. If these DFL’s didn’t look like the honeymonster already, this’ll clinch it.
Hobbs Pink Dress
Sexy see-through clothes. But these days they’ll be a sensible bra from the old ladies underwear shop in the high street. Apparently Victoria is keeping it Secret.
They LOVE to go berry hunting then cook mountains of muffins for a month, just in case they hadn’t made engough cup cakes.
What all DFL dad’s would REALLY like to own (it fits the colour scheme!). No. We have to have a RangeRover Vogue instead.
Remeber this? Bit hazy? That’s because these ladies strip most DFL men of wallet privilages from the moment they begin their assimilation. Keep a separate account.
Nasty Bunting1
The ugly bulky jumper.
No one escapes the colour coding. The children are just an opportunity for this group to express their innate creativity.
There is a propensity for these women to ‘go vintage’. Like wearing something vaguely 50s and slapping on bright matt lippy is going to make them stylish. They will tell you they like the look because it ‘celebrates the curves’.
Please be on alert. This look goes hand in hand with TATTOOS. Most DFL women wouldn’t – not anywhere you can see, but some might be swayed when the hormones kick in.

So, I think I’ve covered that.  Some of these ladies throw the towel in and go back to work in town, leaving us DFL creatives to do the menial stuff.  It’s a fairly good arrangement but the power balance is a tricky obstacle course beset with paranoia and confrontation.  I’ve made quite a few friends who have their little space to work and hide a away once the kids have been dispatched.  It’s a compromise but one I’m happy to make to persue my art.

Please alert me if you spot any of these types using my handy colour palettes!  And as for you lovely locals hoping I’ll ‘fuck off back to London’ – sorry!  Here’s a virtual *chestbump* to show I care.

Next blog – London Film Festival review.  Yay!

Keep it real home boys.