Well my rules of assimilation seem to have, indeed, ruffled a couple of local feathers. I’m not making anyone read this and it is meant to just be a bit of fun. Lighten up! God.
On that note, I now move on to my next topic, reluctant as I am to dwell on this. My wife thinks my opinion on this one is bang on and she even agrees with the archetypes I created of DFL women (she’s a Fierce DFL – see previous post). I had a bit of help with this one from some Twitter friends. Big thanks to @NotSureJustYet for bringing the genius and wicked humour of Phil Lucas to my attention. Big thanks to @PhilLucas for letting me plunder his colour charts.
I haven’t written this as a guide for women, becuase they don’t need it. This is more of an explanation if anything. A way for DFL men to pigeon hole thier own wives and for locals to recognise the forces at work here.
Here are Phil’s brilliant charts I have utilised to define my DFL ladies style and character:
So, in by book, there are two ways DFL women assimilate.
1. Barren women and women who have chosen not to have chilren
Time it takes in order to assimilate? None – they don’t. They work in London and have only moved down to make themselves look better in front of their friends and have great parties here for their friends and gloat. They think it’s a provincial backwater and a cultural wasteland. They don’t bother coming down in the winter unless there is an event or party, rarely patronise local establishments and never EVER buy clothes here.
Now, to make this a bit more visual and so you can easily identify these types if you should see them, I’m going to use this year’s A/W 14/15 fashion colour palette that best encapsulates this first type. No word of a lie – some fashion person has actually based a collection of clothes on the colour palette for the film Frozen – no shit! It seems wholly appropriate for this DFL type – frozen eggs (she’ll never use), frozen heart and frozen forehead. Lol!
2. The Cut-throat ‘Yummy’ Mummies
Time it takes to assimilate? Approx a year.
This group can comprise of all three archetypes of DFL women (Fierce, Mumsy and Slutty) who all have slightly different assimilation approaches. Broadly speaking, all three USE THEIR CHILDREN to fit in and make friends. Often, it just ends up being with other DFLs, but if they get lucky, they meet a BFL ( Back From London – a local who was educated enough to move to London and work, but has since come back to breed) or some nice middle class, educated friends they can lord it over. Slutty DFL has the added advantage of being able to flirt with the other women’s husbands so her assimilation is hugely accelerated. They have another thing in common though – they are all horribly competitive. Fierce DFLs take over local child-rearing institutions with the same single minded ‘lunch is for wimps’ gumption they had in the boardroom (my wife). They are commodifying thier children and using them as a kind of cultural capital to leverage some local gravitas, and it works. Mumsy DFLs are the ones who are always so fucking cheerful. And nice. They grin all the time and everything is fine and nothing is too much trouble. Beneath this sunshiny exterior beats a dark, bitter heart, full of resentment, regret for their old life and a genuine hatred of women that actually quite like their children. These are the ones that decorate the bloody beach, make bloody cupcakes at any opportunity whatsoever. They’re all on Mumsnet (hello Mumsnet!) and they LOVE Boden (apart from Slutty DFLs who wear their daughter’s clothes from Top Shop to prove they’ve ‘still got it’).
These women didn’t just move down here for the sea and to have a ‘slower pace of life’. They moved here for the grammar schools. FACT.
So, what colour palette for the Cupcakes? Well seeing as group no.1 was inspired by the cinema, I thought I’d stick to that theme and come up with a palette inspired by ‘Gone Girl’. Apt, becuase as soon as these ladies (with the exception of Slutty DFLs who remember to throw up their cupcakes and yoga it off), they all grow huge and develop massive SQUARE bottoms (see previous post). It’s extraordinary! So, yeah, the Girl you married, has most certainly GONE. And she ain’t coming back! Lol.
The Gone Girl 14/15 Colour Palette – you’ll recognise these colours on and around this group of DFL assimilators.
So, I think I’ve covered that. Some of these ladies throw the towel in and go back to work in town, leaving us DFL creatives to do the menial stuff. It’s a fairly good arrangement but the power balance is a tricky obstacle course beset with paranoia and confrontation. I’ve made quite a few friends who have their little space to work and hide a away once the kids have been dispatched. It’s a compromise but one I’m happy to make to persue my art.
Please alert me if you spot any of these types using my handy colour palettes! And as for you lovely locals hoping I’ll ‘fuck off back to London’ – sorry! Here’s a virtual *chestbump* to show I care.
Next blog – London Film Festival review. Yay!
Keep it real home boys.