So the Observer has declared the Hipster dead. Well I’m pleased to see that the Guardian (their sister paper) want to prove them wrong, challenging readers to send in some images of ‘hipsters’. Here are some of the contributions sent in:
Hmmm. Now, what’s the one thing they all have in common? Oh come on now…yes – a BIG BEARD. This post is dedicated to all things beardy.
My top 5 reasons why a fellow should grow a big beard:
1. My wife wouldn’t let me grow one, now she’s (temporarily, apparently) gone, I’ve seized the day and gone for it. It’s a statement of my independence, my virility and my masculinity.
2. Women LOVE a full beard. You silver sisters out there might think men with beards have ‘let themselves go’ but not everyone feels like that and the messages I get sent from fawning young ladies on Twitter tell a different story, believe me! Other men like a full beard too and I’d like this opportunity to issue a full statement here – I HAVE NO PROBLEM BEING FANCIED BY MEN. jJust not my thing is all. That’s cleared that up…
3. Beards are comforting. It’s like having a little animal, a lap dog or a small possum, snuggled to your chin. In moments (rare) of self-doubt, a surrupticious stroke can provide instant composure. I’m sure someone, somewhere, right now, is doing a Phd into how stroking a full beard can reduce risk of heart disease, like stroking a dog does. That’s why they take them into old people’s homes – dogs – for the old dears to pet them. Saves them on statins. Imagine if us beardy types could volunteer our magnificent facial hair for beard-stroking sessions with those at risk. We could run clinics and single-handedly save the NHS from ruin – WITH OUR BEARDS!
4. Not all beards come with a mostache, but if yours does – you can twiddle it! Bonza! Here’s some of my fave twiddled mostaches:
5. Obviously, this doesn’t appy to me, but beards can cover a multitude of sins. Got a weak chin? Beard. Got no lips? Beard. Got regrettable facial tattoes? Beard. I’ve found having a beard useful when I can’t get the appropriate facial expression right for the situation. It helps me remain an enigma, it gives me some social camouflague. That’s not dishonest, it just buys me time and helps people from jumping to the wrong conclusions if I pull an inappropriate face. They just can’t see it! Genius. Let me demonstrate:
Look at the picture on left – just look how vulnerable he is! Look how he’s giving away his feelings of doubt, disquiet and insecurity. Imagine how some – female – might take advantage of that! Now look at the picture on the right. See? He’s a wall of incomprehensible emotions. An enigma, wrapped in a mystery, cloaked in a myth. Inpenetrable – safe.
And that’s the crux of it dear reader. Beards make men feel SAFE. Not in a weak way. In a strong way. Like a mighty city wall. Like a deep and deadly moat around the castle of manhood. Strong-safe. Like a real man should be.
In other news – after a few pleasurable gin and tonics with Giles (yes, he is a gay DFL) at the pub in the middle of town, I came home to this:
Isobel had been ‘entertaining’. I could tell an adolescent male had been in the house by the lingering smell of Linx Africa. No wonder she’d been asking me what time I’d be out until. I asked her to tidy it up immediately and I got this:
This isn’t her (she’s way better looking that that), but you get the idea. Then, she took one of my better bottles of wine and left.
Life with teenage daughters. Tsk!
Thank god I’ve got my beard.
I’m not the only beardy in Whitstable, I mean Hipstable. There are many, many bearded men here. We are a tribe. We are one. Raa! Lol.
And for all those beard lovin’ ladees, here are a few choice males with bountiful beards!
Next post – Regatta with my daughter Miranda – a review.